Out of Control

Wow! It’s hard to believe it’s been four months since I’ve written.

These past four months have been some of the most hectic days of my life. I honestly opened up this word document to begin writing about Ephesians 6 and the armor of God because it has been such a huge part of these past four months for me as I struggle through an anxiety like never before. But I sit here finding myself instead feeling I should tell you about something else.

Do you like feeling under control? I do. I LOVE crossing things off of my to-do list, turning things in a day early, and having a workout schedule that is consistent. Has that happened for me recently? Heck no. Spring semester I worked out 5 days a week, ate healthy, started dating an incredible guy, got the best grades I’d ever had, and even had time to go on a walk with a friend literally 5-6 times a week. Also, my relationship with the Lord was the best it had ever been. I was on top of the world! But the summer brought with it all things unfamiliar and uncharted. My first summer in 12 years not at camp. An internship. Growing my photography business. Dating well. Having literally 2 friends from school even in Houston at all.

Since May I have not for a moment felt “settled in.” Nothing about my schedule even now is routine except for the fact that I have classes at the same time every week. But in a season of utter chaos, “busyness”, and feeling like I’m kind of in a mosh pit at ACL, God has revealed to me my utter desperation for Him. In a life that sometimes feels like it just grows more and more inconsistent, Jesus remains consistent still. Something I want to encourage you all to do is to take a moment and be still.

Part of the anxiety I experience is that God doesn’t love me. I fear that I think I am living as a Christian but that I will get to heavens gates only to be turned away because I didn’t “Christian” correctly. I fear that I think I am serving God but that instead I am still lost or not doing enough. First of all, let me just say that Salvation is given freely. It is by GRACE we have been saved—not works. I think Christians to a certain extent know this but it can still be easy to feel like we aren’t doing enough. A lie I felt was “You aren’t reaching out to enough girls. You only lead one small group so you should go lead another.”

When we let thoughts like this snow ball in our minds it distracts us from the fact that God wants to KNOW us. We serve the Lord, yes. But He is not our employer. He is our Father. We don’t simply work for Him, we have a relationship with Him. Relationships only grow if there is some one on one time spent in there. Stop running around trying to be God, and take the time to know Him instead. Life is busy, sure. But if you tally up all the time throughout the day you spend on your social media, or online shopping, then you’d find that that combined together is at least some time you could’ve started your day with in the morning in The Word or Praying.

In the midst of all the craziness, even if you “don’t have time” just sit and be still in the presence of God. Don’t wait to until you feel like you have a routine to fit Him into. Put the phone on do not disturb, look out the window. Don’t even start out your prayer with “God, SOS life is crazy” but instead “God I praise you for ____, and I thank you for ____.” Just hang out with God and get to know Him. I promise you won’t regret it.

“Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.”

Habakkuk 3:17-18